Looking back on the weekend... and the last 21 years.

For those of you who don't know, I travelled to Las Vegas to celebrate my 21st birthday this past weekend.  I had a blast.  I'll probably  put some pictures of the trip up on here in a few days.  On the flight back, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my life thus far.  Friends I've gained and lost, decisions regretted (both made and unmade), and every direction my life has taken, whether I've wanted it to or not.  

One of the first things that came to mind is how fortunate I've been.  Due to no faults but my own, I've landed myself in a somewhat day-to-day sort of existence, and have squandered a great many opportunities that have come my way.  I have my good days, and my bad days.  Days where I enjoy life and love those around me, and days where gaze longingly at at ceiling or of photos from the past and wonder where  my life has gone.  While I contemplated the last 21 years, several memories of pivotal times in my life came to mind.  The first friends I came out to, Alex and Jessica.  Moving from Colorado and leaving my girlfriend at the time, Amy.  Cory, my first boyfriend, and the good and bad times we shared.  The deaths of my paternal grandfather, and my mothers twin siblings all within two months of each other.  My longest relationship to date, with Chris, and how lying and hiding from the truth can destroy some one's life.  Coming out to my family with mixed, but ultimately positive and accepting reactions.  Realizing I have problems, but never strong enough and too blinded by pride to seek help, even as they cost me educational and personal opportunities.  I think of the countless times I've lied to my friends and family, as if afraid that I must constantly strive for there approval and to impress them.  

I'm often surprised at myself for coming this far.  It seems that every triumph is followed by an eclipsing and overshadowing defeat, usually caused in some part by me.  But what keeps my going is not that I enjoy my life (and I do most of the time, don't get me wrong), but my closest friends and family.  Those who have been with me through it all.  My loving family; for a better one I could not ask, and my friends.  From those who have stayed with me after my move from Colorado, those who cared enough to worry when I would disappear for days at a time, to those who make such an impact on my life either from the moment I meet them or at just the right time when I needed it the most.  And finally, and most recently, there are those who either enter or are brought in to your life for just a day or two at a time, and in their short appearance can cause you to question everything in your life up to that point and where and with whom it may go in the future.  These people inevitably beg the question, what if?  Should I change or risk what I have for the possibility of something different or much better?

It is all these things combined that have shaped me into who am today.  While I can never be proud of it all, it is nonetheless this collection of characters and events that will continue my life life on its present course, and also determine where and with whom it will take me. 

Thanks to B/a, C-C/a, C/o, P/c, A/c, B-B-B/c, S/m-a, K/m, S/a, S/c, J/m, N/a, A-A/a, J/a, T/o, L/h, V/a, W/a K/a, and most recently, J/n.

-For those confused by the above series of letters, it is simply a way for me to acknowledge those who have made the biggest impacts in my life without naming them outright.  If you figure it out and find yourself among it, congratulations and thank you for being a part of my life.