I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
---
So the ropes are more or less gone, and now I have an absence of emotion. I want to tell others that I feel for them, to open up, to laugh because it is funny, not because everyone else is. To be able to look forward with a positive mind, to not be forced into assuming the worst and bracing for pain and depression day after day. Maybe someday I can feel again, I hope.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Stuck In the Middle Again
I need three volunteers. Would the first person please take this rope tied around my left arm? Now then, will the second person grab the rope tied around my other arm? Cool, now if the last person would take the rope tied round my waist... now then, if each of you would pull as hard as you possibly can...
And that's where I am. I feel like... well, I don't know, but its sure as hell not a million bucks. As soon as I fix one thing, another gets shot to hell. Sometimes I wish that when I save the world, it could just stay saved for 10 minutes. Not that I'm complaining mind you, since I would much rather spend another day helping those close to me than to have to pretend not to notice or to find out later. If only things in life lined up in neat orderly groups to be dealt with as we see fit. But alas, we all fall prey to the only catchphrase that ever holds true: shit happens. Its how we react to said shit that determines everything else.
Until recently, I thought I had all my "shit" under control. But when I get two sides of the same situation unbeknownst to those it involves, I get thrown into the ever enviable position of "between a rock and a hard place". For example, I can let it be known that I know someones deep personal secret, or turn and lie to the other about what I know or what someone else may know... so like I said, I'm handing out ropes, so feel free to come and tug your own piece of me before I explode...
As for everything else, I will still be me, and never fail to help a friend (or a retard; its funny how often those two overlap). Hopefully for me no one is exceptionally good at tug o' war, lest I be pulled away and killed or eaten or who knows what. My friend Chris always talks about how talking is the key; how it will fix conflicts and save fights and heartache. He's right.
I'm a communications major. I'm great with words and understanding them and helping others with them. I will gladly help, you need only to talk! Grab the rope and tug if you want, but know that I lose myself more and more upon each heave.
But to end on a good note, the Avs fought their way back from a 4-goal deficit to beat Calgary at home Tuesday night. How fucking awesome is that.
And that's where I am. I feel like... well, I don't know, but its sure as hell not a million bucks. As soon as I fix one thing, another gets shot to hell. Sometimes I wish that when I save the world, it could just stay saved for 10 minutes. Not that I'm complaining mind you, since I would much rather spend another day helping those close to me than to have to pretend not to notice or to find out later. If only things in life lined up in neat orderly groups to be dealt with as we see fit. But alas, we all fall prey to the only catchphrase that ever holds true: shit happens. Its how we react to said shit that determines everything else.
Until recently, I thought I had all my "shit" under control. But when I get two sides of the same situation unbeknownst to those it involves, I get thrown into the ever enviable position of "between a rock and a hard place". For example, I can let it be known that I know someones deep personal secret, or turn and lie to the other about what I know or what someone else may know... so like I said, I'm handing out ropes, so feel free to come and tug your own piece of me before I explode...
As for everything else, I will still be me, and never fail to help a friend (or a retard; its funny how often those two overlap). Hopefully for me no one is exceptionally good at tug o' war, lest I be pulled away and killed or eaten or who knows what. My friend Chris always talks about how talking is the key; how it will fix conflicts and save fights and heartache. He's right.
I'm a communications major. I'm great with words and understanding them and helping others with them. I will gladly help, you need only to talk! Grab the rope and tug if you want, but know that I lose myself more and more upon each heave.
But to end on a good note, the Avs fought their way back from a 4-goal deficit to beat Calgary at home Tuesday night. How fucking awesome is that.
Monday, October 8, 2007
All you can ever learn is what you already know
Life goes on, come of age... can't hold on, turn the page... time rolls on, wipe these eyes... yesterday laughs, tomorrow cries...
As always, life will go on. This song seems quite relevant to personal struggles as of late. With everyone on edge, it will only be so long before someone make a mistake, treads on one's spirit, or makes the mistake of caring too much- or not at all.
Looking back, it seems that just things were so simple... and while I wouldn't trade anything for the where I am in life now, sometimes you wonder how choosing between Halo and Smash Bros. has mutated into getting out of bed and deciding which fake smile and laugh to wear today. A good quote comes to mind: "You wear a mask for so long, and you start to forget who you really are..." It seems unnervingly fitting in the current scheme of things. While others busy themselves among seemingly mundane activities, we remain focused and chained to winning the fight against a never ending tide of pain and sorrow... for no matter what we do or say life has and will always be that rainy cloud and that overdrawn bank account, the annoying injury and the regretful choice, the societal outcast and that demon from your past that ties you down and haunts you and still makes it hard just to look in a mirror. To just for a day live a life through someone else's eyes, to have made the left turn instead of the right, to just one day be happy to get up in the morning and be anxious to start the new day. For us these luxuries are few and far between, but we have fought through to now and shall move along just to make it through.
Though it may pain some to hear this, it holds true for we three. "Take my hand, and we'll make it I swear, whoa, living on a prayer"... because for the time being, that's all we have, a prayer.. whether anyone hears, much less answers it, is inconsequential. What matters is that it gives everyone trapped living in repetition that ever important piece of mind. To know that there is something to see and hold, to work for and to grow, to hold on to, to get you through the night, is what really matters. Because to have hope, and people to hope with, is what really matters. And looking at it, I am grateful for this fucked up yet oddly interesting state, because in a very strange way, I am thankful for what I have gained out of it because I know its all that I've wanted.
P.S.
I would like to thank The Ataris, The Offspring, All American Rejects, Bon Jovi, Boston, and Green Day for contributing to this post.
As always, life will go on. This song seems quite relevant to personal struggles as of late. With everyone on edge, it will only be so long before someone make a mistake, treads on one's spirit, or makes the mistake of caring too much- or not at all.
Looking back, it seems that just things were so simple... and while I wouldn't trade anything for the where I am in life now, sometimes you wonder how choosing between Halo and Smash Bros. has mutated into getting out of bed and deciding which fake smile and laugh to wear today. A good quote comes to mind: "You wear a mask for so long, and you start to forget who you really are..." It seems unnervingly fitting in the current scheme of things. While others busy themselves among seemingly mundane activities, we remain focused and chained to winning the fight against a never ending tide of pain and sorrow... for no matter what we do or say life has and will always be that rainy cloud and that overdrawn bank account, the annoying injury and the regretful choice, the societal outcast and that demon from your past that ties you down and haunts you and still makes it hard just to look in a mirror. To just for a day live a life through someone else's eyes, to have made the left turn instead of the right, to just one day be happy to get up in the morning and be anxious to start the new day. For us these luxuries are few and far between, but we have fought through to now and shall move along just to make it through.
Though it may pain some to hear this, it holds true for we three. "Take my hand, and we'll make it I swear, whoa, living on a prayer"... because for the time being, that's all we have, a prayer.. whether anyone hears, much less answers it, is inconsequential. What matters is that it gives everyone trapped living in repetition that ever important piece of mind. To know that there is something to see and hold, to work for and to grow, to hold on to, to get you through the night, is what really matters. Because to have hope, and people to hope with, is what really matters. And looking at it, I am grateful for this fucked up yet oddly interesting state, because in a very strange way, I am thankful for what I have gained out of it because I know its all that I've wanted.
P.S.
I would like to thank The Ataris, The Offspring, All American Rejects, Bon Jovi, Boston, and Green Day for contributing to this post.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Ehsskahpay!
First and foremost, Fuck Nashville. That's all I have to say on that note.
On to the main event. I was again chased down in the parking lot, but this time was saved by a so called kiniggit in shining armor who broke into my car and then proceeded to drive it away whilst I was seeking refuge in my own back seat. Long story short, we starting looking for a replacement sould (or soul, as they are known in more intelligent circles) for said kiniggit. After complaining about life and being shorted two mountain dews, we proceeded to cheer up huffing some lesbian gas. I lost, again, all but the first battle (what a surprise).
As we all know, the choices we make in life shape the rest of our time here on earth. Some are easy, such as Mazdas over pretty much anything else, while some are hardest we will ever make. Even harder are those that affect the one we hold close over all else, as these result in an intense conflict between our friends and ourselves. Thankfully, the oft mentioned trio will never face such decisions alone, for united we stand, and divided we fall.
On to the main event. I was again chased down in the parking lot, but this time was saved by a so called kiniggit in shining armor who broke into my car and then proceeded to drive it away whilst I was seeking refuge in my own back seat. Long story short, we starting looking for a replacement sould (or soul, as they are known in more intelligent circles) for said kiniggit. After complaining about life and being shorted two mountain dews, we proceeded to cheer up huffing some lesbian gas. I lost, again, all but the first battle (what a surprise).
As we all know, the choices we make in life shape the rest of our time here on earth. Some are easy, such as Mazdas over pretty much anything else, while some are hardest we will ever make. Even harder are those that affect the one we hold close over all else, as these result in an intense conflict between our friends and ourselves. Thankfully, the oft mentioned trio will never face such decisions alone, for united we stand, and divided we fall.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Hat Tricks and Monty Pythons
Its always great to start off the season with a win, and the Avs did it at home Wednesday with a 4-3 victory over the Dallas Stars! Paul Stastny recorded his first career hat trick in his first game of his second season in the NHL, becoming only the fourth player in Avalanche history to do so. Wojtek Wolski added the fourth and final goal, sealing the victory. But I wont bore you with hockey anymore...
So apparently naming a ball python Monty automatically makes it that much cooler. I agree, but find it sad when people miss the play on the brits. So, me and buddy are out 80 bucks each, but if a snake can make someone on the brink of giving up learn to laugh and smile again, 80 bucks is nothing at all. Besides, that's how it works between us. A hug, a snake, a poke in the forehead, an occasional three-way, it doesn't matter. Whatever it takes to help the one in need, and it never ends up being any work at all.
So apparently naming a ball python Monty automatically makes it that much cooler. I agree, but find it sad when people miss the play on the brits. So, me and buddy are out 80 bucks each, but if a snake can make someone on the brink of giving up learn to laugh and smile again, 80 bucks is nothing at all. Besides, that's how it works between us. A hug, a snake, a poke in the forehead, an occasional three-way, it doesn't matter. Whatever it takes to help the one in need, and it never ends up being any work at all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
6 down, Eighty-Two to go.
4 and 2 to start the preseason? Not bad at all in my opinion. Tomorrow, or today in roughly 23 minutes, the Colorado Avalanche will kick off the 07-08 NHL season at home against the Dallas Stars. Poor Dallas. Three seasons ago, they were supposed to lose to the Avs. And did, in 5 games. Two seasons ago, Dallas was the number 2 seed, and the Avs limped into the playoffs at the number 7 seed in the western conference. And then proceeded to stomp the Stars in 5 games, AGAIN! Hehehe. With the new rookies this year, and also returning vets like Sakic and Hejduk, this year might shape up to be pretty good. Anyway, that's all for now, I will be back tomorrow with a recap of the game. For those interested, go here and click "Listen Now!" under the Avs emblem! GO AVS!
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